by: Sim Sitkin

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Many leaders have heard some version of this advice: 

Don’t become friends with the people who work for you.‍

That advice points to a real concern.

Friendship can create complications in leadership. It can blur boundaries. It can create perceptions of favoritism. And in some circumstances, it can weaken perceived authority.

But as leaders, we absolutely need to forge strong, caring relational ties with the people we lead. It’s important to understand the difference between friendship and relational leadership.

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Relational Leadership Is Not Friendship

People often confuse relational leadership with friendship. But they are not the same thing.

Relational leadership is about whether I care about your welfare, understand and respect you, and strive to treat you fairly.

None of that requires friendship.

I do not have to be your friend to care about your welfare. I do not have to be your friend to understand your strengths, your needs, or your circumstances. And I certainly do not have to be your friend to treat you fairly. 

I do not even have to personally like you in order to lead you effectively.

That may sound harsh, but it is important. Leadership does not require fondness or affection. It is built on care, understanding, respect, and fairness.

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Caring Does Not Require Friendship

Some leaders worry that if they show too much care or concern, they will weaken their authority.

Sometimes that concern reflects inexperience. I may worry that if I establish a strong connection with the people I lead, that connection will automatically be seen as friendship, and friendship will undermine my ability to lead.

That is not necessarily true. In fact, if you are uncomfortable caring about the people you lead, you are probably not going to lead them very effectively.

People need to know that they matter to you as human beings, not just as instruments for getting work done.

That kind of care strengthens trust. And it is still different from friendship.

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Friendship and Leadership Can Coexist—But They Must Be Separated

There is nothing in leadership that says you must become friends with the people you lead.

There is also nothing that says you cannot.

In some circumstances, those two relationships do coexist. A leader may genuinely be friends with someone they lead or with someone who leads them.

But when that happens, the two roles have to remain separate. Leadership decisions must be based on the work, not on the friendship.

If a leader gives someone an opportunity, makes a call in their favor, or holds them accountable, the standard has to be the same standard that would apply to anyone else in the same circumstances. That distinction is essential.

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Perceptions Matter

Even when leaders believe they are acting fairly, other people may perceive favoritism.

That matters, because leadership depends not only on a leader’s intent, but also on how others interpret what they see. If one relationship appears noticeably closer than others, people may start to question whether decisions are being made consistently.

They may be wrong. But the perception still has to be managed.

This is one reason the issue varies across settings. Different national cultures, industries, and organizational environments have different expectations around authority, closeness, and professional distance. What seems acceptable in one setting may feel inappropriate in another. Leaders need to be sensitive to that.

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Sometimes Friendship Does Weaken Authority

It would be too simple to say that friendship never weakens authority. Sometimes it does.

If a leader cannot maintain boundaries, or if the other person cannot keep the friendship separate from the work relationship, authority can get muddied. When someone starts to assume that friendship entitles them to special treatment, you may need to create more distance between your friendship and your leadership.

That does not mean friendship is always a mistake. It means leaders need to be realistic about whether you and the other person can handle both relationships clearly.

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You Can Lead People You Don’t Personally Like

One of the important implications here is that leadership does not depend on friendship at all. You can build strong relational leadership even with people who are not your friends.

You may not be close to them. You may not especially enjoy them. You may disagree with them strongly. But you can still care about their welfare, understand them, respect them, and strive to be fair.

That is what builds trust. And that is what leadership requires.

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The Bottom Line

Leadership does not require friendship. It also does not necessarily preclude it.

What people need from leaders is not friendship itself. They need to know that the leader cares about their welfare, understands their circumstances, respects them as individuals, and strives to treat them fairly.

Those are the foundations of trust.

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Sometimes friendship and leadership can coexist. But when they do, as leaders we have to keep the two clearly separated and make sure our decisions remain grounded in the work, not in personal closeness.